Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Where did I go?

Where did I go? What a good question. Lately I have found that I don't really know who I am. I am wife of 11 years, a mother of 4, a sister and a daughter, but who am I really. And more importantly, how did I get trapped in this prison I call day to day life. I go to bed very late, wake up late, play on Face book, deal with kids, cook and then just sit around watching whatever I have DVRed until I finally fall asleep. Sometimes I wonder why I even get out of bed. There is nothing about me that is even remotely important or special. I am just another lazy house wife who sits on the computer all day doing nothing worth while, drinking too much Dr. Pepper and eating too much chocolate. I feel empty.

   I have always been pretty petite and those of you that know me personally may wonder what the hell I am doing in a Weight Loss competition. Well I will tell you what I am doing. I am going to find myself again.

  My Amazing Sister Kari Adams, has been such an inspiration to so many people including me and when she said she wanted to do another comp, I just couldn't resist. What a way to motivate someone to get off the computer and get moving. And with her living right next door to me, I know I will get my daily dose of motivation.

  Two years ago I did a competition in my neighborhood and won. Not very many people joined this comp. and there wasn't really any prize money, but the thrill of winning something kept me going. I was working out and following a very strict low calorie diet. There wasn't a week that went by that I didn't loose a pound and in the end ending up loosing 18 pounds. 18 pounds, not very much you say, but for someone who is barely 5 feet tall, 18 pounds was a whole lot.  I had started out at 118 and ended at 100. I hadn't weighed 100 since before my first baby was born and I was so excited. When the comp ended I was working alot. 2 jobs actually as a Catering Assistant for a Tech School in the Culinary department and also as a server. I did alot of walking when I was serving and not a whole lot or eating. I would work doubles on Saturdays and Sundays and probably walked 5 miles at least, a day just from waiting tables. I learned how to resist eating everything in sight and was constantly reminding my coworkers how many calories were in everything they were eating. ( Annoying, I know). But I felt good. I felt like a women again and not just a mom anymore. I felt sexy. In the midst of feeling so good about myself, I found more faults in my marriage. I wanted more then I was getting in return. I was no longer content with the way things had always been. I needed something more. I am happy to say that I did not indulged in the fantasies I had conjured up in my head, and the experience opened up the lines of communication between my hubby and I. He even lost 50 lbs and for a while there we were both looking fantastic.
But life has a way of making things difficult for us. All the guilt I had been feeling seemed to feel like a ton of bricks and I just needed to escape. I quit both of the jobs I had and decided I needed to be a stay at home mom. Work for my husband was very slow, I honestly don't know how we managed to get through the year.

  So here I am, a year later from the time that I stopped working. A year of sitting at home everyday. A year of poor diet and almost no exercise. A year of feeling meaningless and worthless. And in that year, I have gained 22 pounds. 22 pounds or pure fat! My cholesterol is somewhere in the 250's and my body fat percentage is in the 30-40 range. I am 5 feet tall, 32 years old and most likely on my way to heart disease or a stroke. I stopped caring about myself and just let myself go. I need a change. I need a goal. I need something to make me want to get up in the morning. I need to look at myself in the mirror and feel like a sexy women, not a frumpy mom. I need to feel as young as I look.  I need all of you and you need me too. Let's start today, and change tomorrow! Bring on the competition.